Communication Styles

In the last few posts we looked at different communication styles, in this post we will summarize these and end off with Changing your Communication: Step 3 of Anger and Conflict Management. Here are some exercises to do in order to end of with communication:
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In the following exercise, state whether the response given in each situation is assertive, aggressive, passive or manipulative.


1. You are part of a group that deals with helping to better the community that you live in. This group has meetings once a month. The date is being set for the next meeting. You really want to attend, but you can’t make it on the proposed date. Everyone else has accepted this date. When the chairperson of the group says; “Is that OK for everyone, then?”


You say; “Well alright, as it seems to be convenient for everyone else.”

2. Jack is having trouble getting started on an assignment that he has to do for school. He doesn’t really know where to begin because he has skipped many classes lately. He just felt that school was boring and decided not to go.

He says to Janet; “I’m useless at doing assignments, I have no idea where to begin, I wish I didn’t miss so many classes but I have been having so many problems at home. My dad beats me up a lot and will do it again if I fail. Won’t you please do the assignment for me?”

3. Rajesh works in the computer field. Part of his job is to go out and install computers for people. He has taken very long with installing a computer. His manager asks him what went wrong when he was installing the computer.

He says; “You wasted a lot of my time! You never even told me he didn’t have the area ready, and the people who work there don’t have any idea what they are doing, they should all be fired, they are just useless!”

4. Somebody in your neighbourhood asks you for a lift because she works in the same area that you do. You don’t mind giving her a lift but you don’t have enough time in the morning to go an extra 10 minutes to pick her up from her house.

You say; “I don’t mind giving you a lift, but you would have to find your own way to my house.”

5. Fatima is on an important call with her sister when her husband interrupts and asks her something.

She says; “Can’t you see I’m busy, my sister really needs to talk right now! I will answer you later, just wait OK! I can’t even have a conversation in peace!”

6. Naledi works at a clothing store. A colleague of hers hears her dealing with an awkward customer. Afterwards they praise the way she handled it.

She says; “It was nothing really, I only really came in at the end.”

7. Ahmed is a trainer who trains people to run HIV/AIDS workshops. He sat in on a workshop presented by one of the people that he trained. He felt that it was highly successful.

He says; “I think that was a really good presentation. I particularly liked the way that you made the material come alive.”

8. A salesman has been pushing hard for you to buy a piece of equipment. You are not sure; besides, you had thought of looking at several makes before deciding.

You say; “Well, I suppose it’s more or less what I’m looking for. I was going to look at other makes, but perhaps this will be OK.

9. A friend of yours has put your name down to help out at a community social function without asking you.
You say; “Look, why didn’t you ask me first, instead of dropping me in it?”


10. Samantha is really busy with her school homework. Her younger sister Jill comes to her and asks for help.

She says; “No, I can’t help you, ask somebody else! What the hell is wrong with you, cant you see how busy I am? You just have to be a pest, don’t you?”

NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU GOT IT ALL RIGHT!

Answers: (1. passive; 2. manipulative; 3. aggressive; 4. assertive; 5. aggressive; 6. passive; 7. assertive; 8. passive; 9. assertive; 10. aggressive).
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Communication Self-Assessment:
Review the 4 different ways of communicating and evaluate where you fit in. Think about what description best describes your way of communicating in a conflict situation.

Remember that you can have a mixed way of communicating as well. Look out for this. You may be a “mixed communicator”.

• Write down your personal way of communicating in a conflict situation:
• How far away are you from assertive communication?
• Make a list of the things you would need to do/ the changes you would have to make in order to become an assertive communicator.

Changing your communication will be a difficult process but it is not impossible. If it is important to you to have better relationships and to deal with anger and conflict better then you will try very hard to make the change and YOU WILL SUCCEED! Good Luck with all your efforts.


MAY ALLAH MAKE ALL OUR EFFORTS EASY INSHA'ALLAH!

In the next post we will look at the 4th and final step towards dealing with anger and conflict: Negotiation

Communication Style 4- 'The Assertive Communicator'

This is the last style of communication and I've decided to save the best for last. In this style of communication both parties win and there is mutual gain as well as mutual respect, this is something that we should all try and work towards achieving.


Description

 Understands, believes in and accepts own rights.
 Understands, believes in and accepts the rights of others.
 Communicates openly and honestly.
 Respects self and others.
 Likes and feels good about self.
 Communicates with the party concerned.
 Listens and talks.
 Expresses positive and negative feelings.
 Matches verbal and non-verbal behaviour with content of message.
 Voice is steady and firm.
 Tone is modulated, rich and warm.
 Speaks fluently with few awkward pauses.

Advantages

 It fosters fulfilling, deep and intimate relationships. Less preoccupied with self-consciousness, anxiety and less driven by the need for self-protection or control.
 The assertive person can “see”, “hear” and love others more easily.
 Fears and anxieties are reduced. Don’t approach others with fear of being hurt or controlled.
 You live your own life and more of a person’s needs are fulfilled.

Disadvantages

 Your life will be disrupted to some extent and you will feel the pain associated with honest and caring confrontation.
 There is a personal struggle involved in changing one’s own habitual behaviours.
 Being authentically yourself can be a painful experience. You need to risk disagreements knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship between equals.
 It involves becoming vulnerable in significant relationships.
 It brings you face to face with your true values.
 A lot of willpower is necessary.

Achieving this style of communication takes hard work and practise, but the benefits are many and insha'Allah with a sincere intention, Allah (swt) can make things easy to achieve.

In the next post I plan to put up some practise examples on assertive communication, Insha'Allah!

Change is good for you

So I know that my next post was supposed to be the fourth and final style of communication, but Insha'Allah we'll get to that. For now you would have noticed that the look of this blog has changed. It's actually a long story, sort of, but let's just say after searching relentlessly for a template such as the one I have now, I gave up and settled for the previous one. Then, my sister decides to explore things (don't know if that's good or bad), but anyway, through her exploration she finds that we can change things around at ease, and so it is that I came across a template that I wanted for this blog to start with.

Now although I think it looks much better, it was a little difficult to change because, well, we get stuck on old things don't we? Kind of like life itself. After much contemplation though, and looking at the pro's and con's I decided, what the heck, this change will definitely be for the better, and I'm happy I decided that.

This reminds me of life, how we think that change will complicate our lives, but when we actually accept that change may be better, we may be pleasantly surprised. You see the monotony of life can easily get us down, making us feel depressed even, and somtimes even just a small change in our everyday lives can make a huge difference.

I remember reading a beautiful book; When you hear hoofbeats think of a Zebra. I'm sure some of you have also read it. This book dealt with the same topic and the advice given there was change your routine, even if in small ways, change the way you think, change your expectations about things, because only through chnage can we learn and grow.

So, I hope that you like the changes I've made to this blog, and Insha'Allah it will remind you of the fact that change can bring positivity and light into your life. After all, human beings have the ability to experience so many things, why should we restrict ourselves.

Insha'Allah my next post will go back to communication styles, but for now, remember that change can be good for you, and perhaps this will help you if you're stuck with some old way of dealing with things, whether it's your communication style or how you deal with anger and conflict, or just how you treat others, sometimes, when we change things about ourselves, the results are positive for us and for everyone else around us.

I leave you in peace, May the Almighty continue to shower His Blessings on us all!

Communication Style 3- "The Manipulative Communicator"

Description

 No understanding of and no conviction in belief of own rights.
 No understanding or acceptance of rights of others.
 Unwilling to communicate honestly.
 Indirect communication with party concerned.
 Differing verbal and non-verbal behaviour are obstructive to content of message.
 Voice whining and sing-song.
 Lack energy and vitality.
 Anticipates questions and answers.
 Mistrusts self and others.

Advantages
 Others tend to comply with their wishes out of guilt or anxiety.
 They are able to satisfy their needs in the short term to a large extent.
 They do not have to reveal their true feelings to others and risk vulnerability.

Disadvantages
 People avoid them in the long run.
 They make other people feel bad about themselves, but also resentful of the manipulator.
 They do not ever develop a sense of the legitimacy of their own rights and wants.
 They are not able to share their true feelings with others in an atmosphere of trust and caring.
 They are always afraid of being caught out and rejected as a result.

Communication Style 2- "The Aggressive Communicator"

Description

 Insists that own rights are superior.
 Ignores and violates the rights of others.
 Communicates with inappropriate honesty.
 Overpowers others.
 Non-verbal behaviour overemphasizes verbal content of message.
 Interrupts and talks over others.
 Tone often sarcastic and cold.
 Voice firm, harsh and loud.
 Speaks quickly and fluently with few awkward pauses.
 Almost always win arguments.


Advantages
 Aggression secures the material needs and objects you desire.
 You have a greater capacity for self protection.
 Through domination and control you get your own way.
 You are usually very active in shaping your own destiny.

Disadvantages
 Aggression provokes fear. Many people act with aggression because they want to hide their weakness.
 Aggression creates it own opposition and fosters its own destruction.
 Aggression often results in a lack of control. The underdog often gets the best of the aggressor in subtle ways.
 The aggressor tends to suffer from guilt feelings.
 The aggressor is dehumanized.
 People become alienated from the aggressor. It undermines love.
 It creates an unsafe society.