Further Suggestions for dealing with anger and conflict

Finally we have come to the end of anger and conflict management. I do hope that someone has found it useful. To end of here are some final tips and suggestions:
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The way you typically express anger may take some time to modify. Some extra suggestions include:



 Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad.
 Take regular exercise, go for a run or play a sport. People who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels.
 Use the "empty chair" exercise. Pretend you're sitting across from the person you are angry with and say what's on your mind. Who is this person?
 Write a letter to the person you are angry with. You could describe your anger right now, at the time of the anger event. You can destroy it/you can save it/you can mail it at a later date.
 Use positive self-talk, e.g. "I am able to choose my anger style." and "I am angry but I'm not going to let it take over me”.
 Involve an objective third party. Ask someone you trust to be a sounding board. Who might this be?
 Stop thinking about your anger and focus on something positive. The aim is to convert the anger into something more constructive. Different people have different interests or hobbies. Perhaps your feelings can be redirected into one of your hobbies - something creative such as art, music or drumming, dancing, sports, writing, etc.
 If all else fails - thump a cushion, kick a bean bag (DON'T do anything that will hurt yourself or someone else)
 Forgiveness is very important for you to deal with your own anger. Once you have forgiven, you will be free to move forward and deal with your feelings. Do not underestimate the importance of forgiveness.


(Information taken from BUPA’s Health Information Team, 2004)
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Remember the following advices:
"Indeed, anger is from the evil and, without doubt, the evil is created from the Fire. Only water can extinguish fire. Therefore, if anyone of you feels the rush of anger. Let him perform ablution”, and “When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW)}

The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) has been reported to have said:
“For the person who restrains his anger, Allah will restrain punishment over him on the day of Resurrection”.

“Do not remember past disputes” [Luqmaan (A.S)]

“As long as possible try not to start fights and arguments.”
[Luqmaan (A.S)]

“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.

“If anyone of you gets angry and he is standing then, let him sit down. If it subsides, well and good, otherwise he must lie down.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

“Don’t get angry with anyone in the presence of your guests.” [Luqmaan (A.S.)]

“Speaking without thinking is like shooting without aiming.” (William Gurney Benham)

“Conflict is like fire, it can keep you warm, and can cook your food, but if it gets out of control, it can burn down your house.” (Free to Grow Lifeskills)

“Self-control is the ability to keep it cool when someone is making it hot for you.”



May Allah help us all to deal with anger and conflict in a constructive manner.

What is Conflict?

Insha'Allah in the next few posts we will be focussing on conflict management as a follow up to anger management, as both are very closely related.

What is conflict


“Conflict is an interpersonal process that occurs whenever the actions of one person interfere with the actions of another.”


“Conflict is a psychological state of indecision, where the person, is faced simultaneously with two opposing forces of equal strength that cannot be solved together”.


“Conflict is a cognitive-affective process: it influences the emotions and the mind”.


In our everyday lives we are often faced with conflict. This can take the form of disagreements, clashes, struggles, fights and arguments. It is important to note that conflict can be either positive or negative. It may lead to the resolution of a situation, likewise it can also lead to a worsening of the situation, and perhaps even to violence and death.


The difference between anger and conflict


The basic idea that needs to get across here is that “anger” is an emotional state that occurs on an individual level whereas “conflict” occurs on an emotional, cognitive and physical level. Conflict usually occurs between people. (Although inner conflict within the person does also occur). Conflict usually occurs between two opposing groups or persons. It can perhaps be said that conflict is a reaction to anger, so anger comes first and conflict follows.

Reasons/ Causes for conflict


Sometimes conflict occurs on a larger scale. For instance, conflict can occur between social groups, race or religious groups, between governments, institutions and even between countries. Some of the reason for this type of conflict is discussed below.


Differing Goals
The most obvious source of conflict is differing goals between parties, especially when there is a scarce resource and people have to compete for the same thing. In other words, conflict might arise when there different parties want the same thing but for different reasons.


Structural imbalances: class conflict
Conflict might occur because of the imbalances in society, for instance when some groups are rich and others poor.


Threat to important values
People develop different ways of life, cultures, ideologies, religions, etc. When people differ about these things it can lead to major conflict because people’s inner values and belief systems are being challenged.


Scarce resources
When there are not enough resources like food, jobs, homes etc, then conflict is likely to result because people are fighting for these things and they are frustrated and driven by their needs. They are not thinking about having good relationships and living peacefully with people because their most basic human needs is not being met.


Co-ordination
Sometimes conflict can also occur between people in the same group, who believe in the same thing. They differ in the way that they want things to be done. So their goals are the same and therefore do not cause conflict but the way in which they intend to achieve their goals differ and cause conflict.


Advantages and disadvantages

“Conflict is like fire. A fire can be useful: it can warm you in winter or it can cook your food. But if the fire gets out of control, it can cause a lot of damage. It can destroy things which can never be repaired or replaced”. (Free to Grow Lifeskills).


Conflict can be good if it helps you to resolve certain problems and improve your relationships but if it becomes destructive instead of constructive, conflict can destroy your life, on a large scale and also on a small scale.


To understand your style of handling conflict you can follow the link below. This should give you a better understanding of  how you currently deal with conflict as well as what you can do to start dealing with it in a more constructive manner.


http://webhome.idirect.com/~kehamilt/ipsyconstyle.html


Once again if you'd like to discuss this further after having read this post or taking the conflict questionnaire, please feel free to e-mail me (zhassem1@yahoo.com), or leave me a message here:)


HOPE THAT YOU FIND THIS USEFUL!
References:

• Anstey, M. (1998). Negotiating Conflict. Cape Town: Juta & Co,Ltd.
• Gift of the Givers Careline. (1999). “Self- Discovery and Growth Course”. Unpublished Course Manual.
• Free to Grow Lifeskills. “How to handle conflict”, Workshop manuals
• Image 1 from: rickhill.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/15-confl
• Image 2 from: scavenging.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fire.jpg

Anger and Needs

Most of the time anger is related to a need. When the need is fulfilled then the anger will begin to disappear. Without understanding what the underlying need is, people may find themselves getting angry for many different reasons, a lot of the time. All these smaller reasons for getting angry may actually be related to one need. It is important to understand the needs which underlie your anger, without this understanding it will become very difficult for you to deal with your anger.

Exercise
Make a list of all the reasons that you get angry. If you have being keeping an anger diary or keeping note of your anger patterns then you can use this as your list.


Now try to look at these deeper, try to identify the underlying need behind your reasons for getting angry. You will probably find that once you look at the underlying needs, they will be similar for many of your reasons for getting angry.

Let me give you an example:


You’ve just spent the entire day cleaning your house, and then someone comes and leaves a mess, you get angry.


Your reason for getting angry is because the person messed after you spent so much time cleaning.


Your need behind the anger- The need to be acknowledged and appreciated, the need to get a break from your chores, etc.


Most times people try to deal with their anger by focusing on the REASON for getting angry and they overlook the underlying NEED. When they do this, the anger is dealt with on a outer level only and it will only last for a short while before the person becomes angry again, for a similar reason. Once the needs which underlie the anger is understood and dealt with, then anger can be released completely.


So now, whenever you get angry, take some time out to understand the need which underlies your anger, only then will you be able to deal with the anger completely. This is not always easy to do because we do not always understand what our needs are, once we become conscious of the fact that our anger is related to deeper needs then this will become easier for us- Insha’Allah!

If you would like to discuss this further or need help identify what your underlying needs behind your anger is , you can e-mail me on: zhassem1@yahoo.com or leave an anonymous message below.

May Allah Almighty make it easy for us all to get rid of our anger.

“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.

“If anyone of you gets angry and he is standing then, let him sit down. If it subsides, well and good, otherwise he must lie down.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

Introduction to Anger and Conflict Management

Insha'Allah in the next few posts I intend to deal with anger and conflict management. I will be adding links to questionnaires that can be taken to help you understand your own anger, and conflict style. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU NEED FURTHER INFORMATION ON A PERSONAL BASIS OR IF YOUR ANGER LEVELS ARE DANGEROUS, PLEASE SEND ME AN E-MAIL ON zhassem1@yahoo.com

Hope that these posts are helpful!
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What is anger?




Anger is the body's response to an event (e.g. road rage), to another person (colleague, boss, partner etc), or caused by anxiety - worrying about personal problems. It is the body's way of helping us to cope with either fighting, or running away. (Fight or flight response) Our body and emotions feel like a coiled spring - the body is ready now then, to fight or run - and those feelings need to be expressed. If you feel unable to express those feelings in a way that wouldn't hurt yourself or others, then you'll need to find other ways to express that anger.”


Is anger good or bad?


Some disadvantages of anger:


“Some people tend to become angry easily (a "short fuse"), and some have problems controlling their anger. Anger has consequences, and they often involve hurting other people - more usually their feelings, but sometimes physically. Anger can cause problems in your personal life, with your relationships and affect your work. The after-effects of anger often make a person feel guilty and ashamed, but anger is a normal emotion”.


“Unresolved anger can cause relationship breakdown, physical and mental health problems, criminal activity etc”. Anger can “lead to intimidating, violent or bullying behaviour which endangers other people or property. Anger can even lead to self-harm”.


A lot of negative consequences arise when we are unable to control our anger. When someone is very angry, screaming and shouting and not in control of themselves, they end up saying and doing things that they don’t necessarily mean. The things that they do might be harmful to others and to themselves. What happens sometimes is that when the fight is over, the hurt and animosity might still remain. Sometimes people always remember the things that were said during a fight and this might be the cause of continuous problems. “Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm”.


“The physical effects"


Anger triggers the body's 'fight or flight' response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The mind is sharpened and focused.


The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that accompany recurrent unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body. Some of the short and long term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include: Headache, Digestion problems, such as abdominal pain, Insomnia, Increased anxiety, Depression, High blood pressure, Skin problems, such as eczema, Heart attack, Stroke.”


Some advantages of anger


If anger is controlled properly then it might help to resolve things in a conflict situation. Getting angry might be a form of expression for people. Anger might also help in preventing people from taking advantage of each other. Anger provides limits and if controlled properly can be used in an assertive manner to ensure that one’s rights are not been trampled on.


It must be clearly emphasized that anger can only be a helpful emotion if it is controlled properly and used in an assertive, not aggressive manner. “Well managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes”.


Some reasons for getting angry
 Feeling helpless or unable to control a situation.
 Feeling trapped by circumstances and can’t see any way out.
 Tiredness and irritability.
 Frustration.
 Disagreeing with someone/ having a difference of opinion.
 Need to prove oneself.
 Competition.
 Feeling threatened or jealous.
 Feeling intimidated or overpowered.
 Inability to explain or express one’s feelings.
 When a person is forced to do something against their will
 When a person feels misunderstood.


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To take an anger quiz click on the link below:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=3396&cn=116
 
Please feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me if you'd like to discuss anything further with regards to the quiz or anything else related to this!
 
Insha'Allah in the next post we will focus on "Anger Patterns" - Until then I leave you in peace!
 
“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.


References for this post:
 BUPA’s Health Information Team. (2004) “Anger Management”.
Image taken from: joefelso.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/anger-m.jp