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Friday, April 16, 2010

Anger and Needs

Most of the time anger is related to a need. When the need is fulfilled then the anger will begin to disappear. Without understanding what the underlying need is, people may find themselves getting angry for many different reasons, a lot of the time. All these smaller reasons for getting angry may actually be related to one need. It is important to understand the needs which underlie your anger, without this understanding it will become very difficult for you to deal with your anger.

Make a list of all the reasons that you get angry. If you have being keeping an anger diary or keeping note of your anger patterns then you can use this as your list.

Now try to look at these deeper, try to identify the underlying need behind your reasons for getting angry. You will probably find that once you look at the underlying needs, they will be similar for many of your reasons for getting angry.

Let me give you an example:

You’ve just spent the entire day cleaning your house, and then someone comes and leaves a mess, you get angry.

Your reason for getting angry is because the person messed after you spent so much time cleaning.

Your need behind the anger- The need to be acknowledged and appreciated, the need to get a break from your chores, etc.

Most times people try to deal with their anger by focusing on the REASON for getting angry and they overlook the underlying NEED. When they do this, the anger is dealt with on a outer level only and it will only last for a short while before the person becomes angry again, for a similar reason. Once the needs which underlie the anger is understood and dealt with, then anger can be released completely.

So now, whenever you get angry, take some time out to understand the need which underlies your anger, only then will you be able to deal with the anger completely. This is not always easy to do because we do not always understand what our needs are, once we become conscious of the fact that our anger is related to deeper needs then this will become easier for us- Insha’Allah!

If you would like to discuss this further or need help identify what your underlying needs behind your anger is , you can e-mail me on: or leave an anonymous message below.

May Allah Almighty make it easy for us all to get rid of our anger.

“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.

“If anyone of you gets angry and he is standing then, let him sit down. If it subsides, well and good, otherwise he must lie down.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

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