Exploring Identity-Part 1

Inshaa'Allah this is the beginning of a new topic. In the next few posts I hope to discuss identity in some more detail. I hope that you find these posts useful!

What is Identity?

•  Identity is basically a stable idea that we have of ourselves as well as the embrace of a system of values that provides a sense of direction for us. 
•  We begin to focus on developing an identity for ourselves when we reach the stage of adolescence. It is common for teenagers to struggle with issues of identity as they still do not have a clear sense of who they are what they believe in.
• If we do not have a stable self-identity then we will be in a state of confusion and we will be restless and uncertain about things.
• However, people are constantly re-defining their identities based on their life experiences, age, or stage of life that they are in.
• We can have a positive self identity or a negative one, depending on what we base our identities on.

What is identity based on?

• Most of the time people’s identities are based on as set of values or beliefs about a particular thing. These beliefs influence whether our self identity is positive or negative.
• Our identities are not only based on how we see ourselves now, but also how we think we want our lives to be in the future. So we look to our “ideal” self and this determines our identity at present. Sometimes we even look to past ideas about ourselves and this influences our present identity.
• Although each person has their own personal identity, our identities are influenced by many factors. For e.g; - Family - Society (social norms) - Friends - Popular attitudes (which may be displayed through media or other people) - Values and beliefs- Ideas of life- Future goals

What about Islamic identity?

•  Developing a strong Islamic identity, based on Islamic values and morals should be our most important goal.
• This means that we should not be ashamed to assert ourselves as Muslims, not only in the way we dress, but also in the things we do and how we behave. 
•  Part of developing a strong Islamic identity is to as far as possible adopt the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW).
• We should also try and emulate the ways of the sahaabah (r.a.) in the time of the Prophet (SAW).
• There are many important Muslim men and women whose lives should be a guide for us to follow. The Prophet’s (SAW) Companions, wives, daughters and others in the time of the Prophet (SAW) are excellent role models for us.
• We should begin to view ourselves in terms of Islamic ideals, on all the different levels of functioning.

It’s called desensitization

The first time the tap in my bathroom drips it really bothers me. I feel the need to do something about it, try to fix it, try to get someone else to fix it or call in a plumber. However, what if I just don’t get down to doing any of these things? Slowly the dripping tap begins to sound less faint, I don’t notice the sound and it doesn’t bother me that much anymore, until eventually I am so accustomed to hearing it that I even forget that it’s a problem which needed to be fixed and I accept it as a part of the way things are. This process is called desensitization and human beings go through this constantly without us even being aware of it. This happens with both small and big things and it can either be a good thing or a bad thing.

When desensitization works in a good way it can be helpful to people; like if you’ve lost someone and you are grieving for them. At first it’s really difficult for you to move on with life and you really can’t get used to your life without that person, but then slowly over time it becomes easier and you get used to living without that person until you’ve managed to work out things in your life in such a manner that you can cope with that person being gone. Surely you’ll never forget the loved ones that you’ve lost, but you’ve become desensitized to the lack of their presence and then life becomes easier.

And then of course there’s the desensitization that works against us. I’ll give you some examples. You’re watching TV and you see something that you know is immoral or sinful, this really bothers you and you change the channel or switch the TV off for a while, or fast forward, skip the scene, whatever it is that you do, because inside of you, you know that what you are seeing is wrong and it makes you feel really bad. The next time this happens though, you are not that shocked and so you take a little longer to change the channel or fast forward. But the next time, you don’t even bother skipping the scene and you decide that it’s not such a big deal to see it because now you’ve already been desensitized. The same can apply to any other sin, the first time you do something it seems really bad and you feel terrible, but with more and more exposure to a particular thing, it becomes a natural part of your life and you don’t even pay attention to what you are doing. This is how it becomes easy for us to commit sin, after sin, after sin, even though we know that it is wrong.

The bad thing about desensitization is that it puts us in a state of oblivion. We lose our focus and we can begin to accept almost anything, if the desensitization process works correctly. I don’t know about you but I find it a bit uncomfortable and I actually don’t like this. I know that there are benefits in this process and I accept this and am thankful to Allah Almighty for those benefits because it really can be a good coping mechanism, but the thought of going slowly into oblivion just doesn’t sit well with me. When I just started out working as a counsellor I’d look at all the more experienced counsellors around me and wonder how it was possible for them to deal with the difficulties in people’s lives without being affected at all. They were doing counselling for a while and had already been desensitized. I didn’t want to be like that, I didn’t want to remain unaffected when hearing about an innocent child being abused or a woman going through difficulty. I wanted to freely feel sad about these things, because I believed then, and I still believe now that these things should make us sad, it should affect us as fellow human beings.

Perhaps desensitization is a normal process, but I can see the negative effects of it. Every day as we watch the news and see how our brothers and sisters across the world are suffering in so many different ways, how many of us are terribly affected by this? We have come to accept these things and we don’t even realize that war and suffering is going on all around us, because we have become desensitized.

In Johannesburg where I live people have become so accustomed to crime that they no longer have the need to react when they see something happening and so neighbours hear noises and see their own neighbours been attacked and even murdered, but they feel they can do nothing about it, because of desensitization. Then, it’s given a really nice name- BYSTANDER EFFECT- “ a social psychological phenomenon that refers to cases where individuals do not offer any means of help in an emergency situation to the victim when other people are present.” This is the level of desensitization that we have reached. I don’t know about you, but I think this is really abnormal.

You might be wondering at this point what we can do to stop ourselves from being desensitized in a negative way. So here are some very basic tips:

1. First and foremost, make a pure intention and ask Allah to help you in this regard so that it can become easier for you not to get caught up in negative things and so that you are more able to help others and to worship Allah Almighty more effectively.

2. Become more aware- Awareness is very important. First become aware of all the ways that you are being desensitized. Once you are aware, you will make an effort to counteract the negative desensitization, Inshaa Allah.

3. Look at the ways in which you’ve been desensitized and determine the positive ways of desensitization from the negative ones.

4. Once you’ve identified the positive and negative, use the positive forms of desensitization to strengthen yourself and your relationship with Allah- Thank Allah for giving you this coping mechanism.

5. In terms of the negative ways- start thinking about this more often and consider how many ways you have been desensitized into doing things that go against Islam. How many sins have become easier for you to commit, how many people have you hurt because of desensitization. If you become more aware you will slowly begin to fight the effects of desensitization. Feeling bad about commiting sins or doing harmful acts is the beginning of stopping those acts.

6. The effects of desensitization should be able to work in reverse. Just as you were numbed into accepting bad things, now you will feel bad, and then slowly you’ll become more aware of your negative actions until eventually you stop doing the things that are harmful to yourself and others.

Inshaa Allah with the help of Allah Almighty we can all achieve a state of awareness where our only aim is to please our Creator.

May Allah make it easy for us all!!!

The ill-effects of Competition

In terms of competition there is both positive and negative competition.

Positive competition occurs when people compete with another to do good deeds and when the competition results in people trying to better themselves.

Negative competition occurs when people compete for things that do not bring about good consequences, do not have any benefit for the people involved or it can also occur when people compete for things that are beyond their means. For instance, if someone wants to compete with his neighbour who has a big house, car etc and he himself does not have the means to get these things, this will most likely bring about negative consequences.

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Positive competition is allowed and even encouraged in Islam. For instance, people are encouraged to compete with each other to do good deeds. This type of competition is healthy and results in ties between people been strengthened because they end up having a common positive goal. One just has to look at the example of the two Sahaaba (May Allah be pleased with them), Umar and Abu Bakr. Umar (May Allah be pleased with him) always used to try and do more than Abu Bakr (May Allah be pleased with Him). This competition to do good deeds only led to a greater respect and admiration between the two.

Negative competition gives rise to jealousy, envy, enmity and instead of building ties between people it breaks the ties between people. Also, negative competition makes people ungrateful because it stops you from focusing on the good that Allah (SWT) has given you. Instead you end up regarding what you have been given as inferior. This is why the Prophet (SAW) gave the advice of looking to those who have less than ourselves instead of those who have more.

Negative competition makes people bitter, envious and ungrateful. It also lowers people’s self-esteem and makes them feel worthless when they compare themselves to others. These effects are opposite to the effects of positive competition.

Negative competition should always try to be avoided. Here are some suggestion to try and get rid of negative competition in our lives:

• The best way to do this is to remember that Allah Almighty created all of us differently.We are individuals with our own individual capacity, intelligence, appearance, emotional make-up, etc.
• Whatever we have Allah has given to us because that suits us. Each person gets what is best for them, and that’s why we should never wish that we were like others.
• Allah will judge us according to our own situations and not the situations of other people.
• Instead of wanting to be like others, we should spend time trying to find the positives within ourselves and this will help us to be more grateful of the bounties that Allah Almighty has bestowed upon us.
• We should try as far as possible not to worry about what others think and say about us because this causes unnecessary negative competition.

Let us try our best to get rid of the negative competition in our lives and instead focus our energies on competing for good things.

May Allah make it easy for all of us, Inshaa Allah

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Here’s a little quiz to take to see if you are prone to negative competition or not. Hope you enjoy it!

 

Am I Competing?

 

Ask yourself the following questions (circle Yes or No):

 

• Do I get jealous when others are invited to a function and I am not? Y / N
• Do I feel superior to people who don’t have as much as I do? Y / N
• Do I get sulky when others get more attention? Y / N
• Do I always have to win (or won’t do something unless I can win)? Y / N
• Do I feel more valuable or less valuable than others? Y / N
• Do I have to have the last word? Y / N

• Do I argue frequently? Y / N

 

If you answered YES to any of the above, parts of your personality are competing negatively. You probbaly don't even realize this and this could be a cause of unhappiness in your life.  

 

Competing with others just makes you end up feeling drained and stressed out. Positive relationships does not involved competition, instead it involves acceptance and mutual respect!

 

 

Principles of Stress Management

Here are some more principles to assist with stress management. This topic is coming to an end an soon we will begin something else insha'Allah!

Develop Self-knowledge

This involves knowing your capabilities and your limits, your personal temperament and typical coping style, and your values and goals.


You may feel comfortable with some of your characteristics, less happy with others. In either case, to effectively manage stress you need to be aware of your own optimum stress level and coping style, as well as the goals and values that guide your reactions.


Everyone has their own temperament, style of managing stress, and value system. You need to develop strategies relevant to your personal style and compatible with your personal values, otherwise you are not likely to use them.


Self-acceptance and confidence


Accept yourself for who you are, with your limitations as well as your strengths. Do not attempt to take on more than you can handle, you do not have to be perfect, just be the best that you can be. Do not measure yourself according to other people or their expectations. Have enough confidence in your abilities, skills and talents and do not wish to have what you think other people have.


Tolerance for frustration and discomfort


The ability to tolerate frustration and discomfort is central to stress management. High tolerance will keep you from overreacting to things you dislike. It will help you tackle problems and issues rather than avoid them. It will enable you to take risks and try new experiences.


Moderation


The principle of moderation will help you avoid extremes in thinking, feeling, and behaving.


Why moderation is important to stress management?


Extreme expectations - too high or too low, will set you up for either constant failure or a life of boredom.


Addictive or obsessive behaviour can take control of you, creating new distress. Unrestrained eating, drinking or exercising will stress your body and lead to long term health complications.


Emotional and behavioural responsibility


People who see their emotions and behaviours as under their control are less prone to distress than people who see themselves as controlled by external forces. The principle of responsibility can help you take charge of your emotions, your actions, and in turn your life. It involves taking responsibility for (1) what you feel, and (2) how you act.


To be emotionally responsible is to believe that you create your own feelings in reaction to what life throws at you. You avoid blaming other people - your parents, partner, or anyone else - for how you feel.


Behavioural responsibility means accepting that you cause your own actions and behaviours, and are not compelled to behave in any particular way.


Flexibility


Flexible people can bend with the storm rather than be broken by it. They know how to adapt and adjust to new circumstances that call for new ways of thinking and behaving. They have resilience - the ability to bounce back from adversity.


The principle of flexibility


To be flexible is to be open to change in yourself and in the world. As circumstances alter, you are able to modify your plans and behaviours. You are able to adopt new ways of thinking that help you cope with a changing world. You are able to let others hold their own beliefs and do things in ways appropriate to them - while you do what is right for you.


Adapted from the book: “Good Stress: The Life that can be yours”, by Wayne Froggatt, Published by HarperCollins New Zealand, Auckland, 1997.

Eid Wishes