Further Suggestions for dealing with anger and conflict

Finally we have come to the end of anger and conflict management. I do hope that someone has found it useful. To end of here are some final tips and suggestions:
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The way you typically express anger may take some time to modify. Some extra suggestions include:



 Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad.
 Take regular exercise, go for a run or play a sport. People who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels.
 Use the "empty chair" exercise. Pretend you're sitting across from the person you are angry with and say what's on your mind. Who is this person?
 Write a letter to the person you are angry with. You could describe your anger right now, at the time of the anger event. You can destroy it/you can save it/you can mail it at a later date.
 Use positive self-talk, e.g. "I am able to choose my anger style." and "I am angry but I'm not going to let it take over me”.
 Involve an objective third party. Ask someone you trust to be a sounding board. Who might this be?
 Stop thinking about your anger and focus on something positive. The aim is to convert the anger into something more constructive. Different people have different interests or hobbies. Perhaps your feelings can be redirected into one of your hobbies - something creative such as art, music or drumming, dancing, sports, writing, etc.
 If all else fails - thump a cushion, kick a bean bag (DON'T do anything that will hurt yourself or someone else)
 Forgiveness is very important for you to deal with your own anger. Once you have forgiven, you will be free to move forward and deal with your feelings. Do not underestimate the importance of forgiveness.


(Information taken from BUPA’s Health Information Team, 2004)
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Remember the following advices:
"Indeed, anger is from the evil and, without doubt, the evil is created from the Fire. Only water can extinguish fire. Therefore, if anyone of you feels the rush of anger. Let him perform ablution”, and “When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW)}

The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) has been reported to have said:
“For the person who restrains his anger, Allah will restrain punishment over him on the day of Resurrection”.

“Do not remember past disputes” [Luqmaan (A.S)]

“As long as possible try not to start fights and arguments.”
[Luqmaan (A.S)]

“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.

“If anyone of you gets angry and he is standing then, let him sit down. If it subsides, well and good, otherwise he must lie down.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

“Don’t get angry with anyone in the presence of your guests.” [Luqmaan (A.S.)]

“Speaking without thinking is like shooting without aiming.” (William Gurney Benham)

“Conflict is like fire, it can keep you warm, and can cook your food, but if it gets out of control, it can burn down your house.” (Free to Grow Lifeskills)

“Self-control is the ability to keep it cool when someone is making it hot for you.”



May Allah help us all to deal with anger and conflict in a constructive manner.

Dealing with Conflict-Step 4- Work on Negotiating

Once you have successfully gotten through the first 3 steps, you can begin to focus on step 4 which is “working on negotiating”. It is important that you have first mastered the first 3 steps because negotiation will not be able to take place if for instance, one person has not been listened to and understood or the other person has not assertively expressed their needs. Furthermore, if you have not managed to achieve step 1 which is “staying calm” then all the efforts to resolve conflict will be useless. Negotiation therefore comes at the end, when the people involved in the conflict have managed to calm themselves, when they have listened to and understood each other and when both parties have communicated their needs and wants in an assertive manner.

Negotiation has been defined as follows:

“Negotiation is a form of decision making in which two or more parties talk with one another in an effort to resolve their opposing interests…a process by which a joint decision is made by two or more parties.”(Pruitt 1981, pp xi-xii in Anstey, 1998, p. 91)

“Negotiation is a process for resolving conflict between two or more parties whereby both or all modify their demands to achieve a mutually acceptable compromise…a process of adjusting both parties’ views of their ideal outcome to an attainable outcome.” (Kennedy et al 1987, p.14 in Anstey, 1998, p.92).

The Process of Negotiation

Three things have been identified as helpful in the negotiation process. (Gift of the Givers: Self Discovery and Growth Course Manual, 1999).

1. Compromise
The parties negotiate with each other until they arrive at a solution that is acceptable to both. In the process both give up something of their original position and meet each other half-way in an attempt to be tolerant towards each other.

In the negotiation process you can make a list, (mentally or you can write it down) of all the things that you are willing to compromise on.

You should not put things on the list unless you are absolutely sure that you will be able to give it up.

2. Accommodation

Both are willing to give, and to accommodate the other’s point of view, and yet to be honest about stating any specific uncertainties they may have.

You have to be able to accommodate the other person by understanding their wants and needs and meeting these needs and wants to a reasonable extent.

It is essential in the conflict resolution process for both parties to compromise something in order to accommodate each other. If this is not done then there will not be successful conflict resolution.

After having listened to and understood the other person’s requests, make a list of the things you think you can give to them. Once again you should only put things on the list that you are absolutely sure you will be able to give to the other person. It is very important that you keep up to the things you promise to do.

3. Seeking alternatives
Parties look for a solution that will have the greatest significance for them. They are concerned about the issue, the problem that needs to be solved and about what will be best under the circumstances.

 When seeking alternatives it is crucial that both parties are equally involved.
 You can sit together and brainstorm about possible solutions.
 The atmosphere should be a pleasant, happy one and both parties should feel comfortable to share their thoughts.
 After brainstorming, all the suggestions can be evaluated. The advantages and disadvantages of all the suggestions can be looked at.
 Thereafter the solution that seems most acceptable to both parties should be chosen.
 The Plan has to be carried out and each person should accept responsibility and try equally hard to keep to the plan.
 There should be no blaming each other.
 Remember all this is being done in order to achieve peace.
(Gift of the Givers: Self Discovery and Growth Course Manual, 1999).

References for this post:
-Anstey, M. (1998). Negotiating Conflict. Cape Town: Juta & Co,Ltd.
-Gift of the Givers Careline. (1999). “Self- Discovery and Growth Course”.

  Unpublished Course Manual.

Dealing with conflict-Step 2- Listening to Understand-Part A

We very often underestimate the importance of listening. Listening to someone makes a huge difference because the other person feels that someone is actually interested in what they are saying. By listening to someone, you are giving them the space to express themselves, their inner needs, their issues and problems and their personal beliefs and opinions. The person is made to feel comfortable and more at ease once they know that someone is genuinely interested in what they want and need. This is especially true in a conflict situation. When people are angry and in a conflict situation, they very often do not listen to each other, this elevates the anger and makes the situation worse as people feel that what they are saying is not regarded as important.

“How many people do you know who listen to you properly? Most of us know very few. Quite apart from wanting air time to speak about their own thoughts, feelings and experiences, many people we know will put their own ‘spin’ on what we say rather than listen accurately and deeply to us” (Nelson-Jones, 2000, p.123). Even though we all say that we listen to each other, we very often do not listen properly, and we listen hastily and miss out on important information. In addition, we sometimes misinterpret and misunderstand what the other person is saying to us. Instead of listening and understanding the other person’s point of view, we listen and interpret according to our own opinions, feelings and ideas. “Listening to understand” is therefore very different from “listening” because when we listen to understand we begin to see things from the other person’s point of view instead of our own. In a conflict situation, only if we listen to understand will we be able to resolve things.

Listening exercise
The following exercise can be used to illustrate how often people don’t listen properly and how important information can easily be left out or misinterpreted.


Read the following and respond to each: Answer honestly, DON’T CHECK THE ANSWER’S UNTIL YOU’VE MADE AN ATTEMPT.

1. Is there any federal law against a man’s marrying his widow's sister?

2. If you only had one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an oil heater and a wood stove, which would you light first for maximum heat?

3. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him during the great flood?

4. The Yankees and the Tigers play 5 baseball games. They each win 3 games. No ties or disputed games are involved. How come?

5. According to International Law, if an airplane should crash on the exact border between two countries, would unidentified survivors be buried in the country they were traveling to or the country they were traveling from?

6. You’re the driver of a bus. At the first bus stop, 10 people get on. At the second stop 12 people get on and 2 get off, at the third stop 5 people get on and 2 gets off, at the fourth 2 people get on, at the 5th, 1 person gets off, etc, etc… What is your age?

7. A man was driving with his son and got killed in an accident. The son needed an operation but the surgeon said: “I cannot operate. The patient is my son.” Who is the surgeon?

8. A man left his house and put the keys in his pocket. A thief came and robbed the house. How did he enter?
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This exercise illustrates how we think that we are listening to something but yet we still do not listen carefully enough. This leads us to miss out on important information. In addition, we listen according to our own point of view and according to our own beliefs, opinions and ideas. Because we don’t listen to understand we tend to misinterpret information and we hear things in a very closed and one-sided fashion. Our preconceived ideas do not allow us to open our minds and listen to understand the next person. We should remember that listening is not only done with our ears, but on a more holistic level, listening is done with our hearts and minds as well. This type of holistic listening should be an ideal that we work towards and will be especially helpful for us in conflict situations.


An important thing to consider when we are listening is that individuals see things differently and have different points of view. When we “listen to understand” we will need to try very hard to “go into the other person’s mind and heart” and try to understand their own personal world.


You will find that with time when you become more tuned towards focusing on finer details and when you begin to pay more attention to the actual content of what’s being said, then it will become easier for you to quickly reach the correct answer. This is exactly the same with listening to other people. When we pay attention to what they’re saying and when we truly listen with an open heart and mind, then it will become easier for us to resolve conflicts.


Answers to riddles:
1. There is no law against a man’s marrying his widow’s sister, but it would be the neatest trick of the week. To have a widow, he would have to be dead.
2. The match
3. Moses took no animals at all. It was Noah who took two of each.
4. Who said the Yankees and Tigers were playing against each other in those games.
5. You can’t bury survivors under any law-especially if they still have enough strength to object!
6. How would you know if it wasn’t mentioned?
7. The mother
8. The man put the keys in his pocket and he forgot to lock the door.


Insha'Allah in the next post- "Listening to Understand- Part B" we will discuss listening in some more detail.


Until then, I leave you in Peace! May the Almighty Allah shower endless peace and blessings upon you!
 
Image from: www.infrastructurist.com/wp-content/uploads/s...

4 Steps to Dealing with Conflict

By now we have a good enough idea of what conflict is, what some reasons for conflict are, etc. Insha'Allah in the next few posts I plan to put up a 4 step approach to dealing with conflict. This approach is just a guideline and people should adapt it and use it within their own lives in the most suitable way.

Hope all the steps help you to deal with conflict more effectively!!!

As always, COMMENTS ARE WELCOMED

What is Conflict?

Insha'Allah in the next few posts we will be focussing on conflict management as a follow up to anger management, as both are very closely related.

What is conflict


“Conflict is an interpersonal process that occurs whenever the actions of one person interfere with the actions of another.”


“Conflict is a psychological state of indecision, where the person, is faced simultaneously with two opposing forces of equal strength that cannot be solved together”.


“Conflict is a cognitive-affective process: it influences the emotions and the mind”.


In our everyday lives we are often faced with conflict. This can take the form of disagreements, clashes, struggles, fights and arguments. It is important to note that conflict can be either positive or negative. It may lead to the resolution of a situation, likewise it can also lead to a worsening of the situation, and perhaps even to violence and death.


The difference between anger and conflict


The basic idea that needs to get across here is that “anger” is an emotional state that occurs on an individual level whereas “conflict” occurs on an emotional, cognitive and physical level. Conflict usually occurs between people. (Although inner conflict within the person does also occur). Conflict usually occurs between two opposing groups or persons. It can perhaps be said that conflict is a reaction to anger, so anger comes first and conflict follows.

Reasons/ Causes for conflict


Sometimes conflict occurs on a larger scale. For instance, conflict can occur between social groups, race or religious groups, between governments, institutions and even between countries. Some of the reason for this type of conflict is discussed below.


Differing Goals
The most obvious source of conflict is differing goals between parties, especially when there is a scarce resource and people have to compete for the same thing. In other words, conflict might arise when there different parties want the same thing but for different reasons.


Structural imbalances: class conflict
Conflict might occur because of the imbalances in society, for instance when some groups are rich and others poor.


Threat to important values
People develop different ways of life, cultures, ideologies, religions, etc. When people differ about these things it can lead to major conflict because people’s inner values and belief systems are being challenged.


Scarce resources
When there are not enough resources like food, jobs, homes etc, then conflict is likely to result because people are fighting for these things and they are frustrated and driven by their needs. They are not thinking about having good relationships and living peacefully with people because their most basic human needs is not being met.


Co-ordination
Sometimes conflict can also occur between people in the same group, who believe in the same thing. They differ in the way that they want things to be done. So their goals are the same and therefore do not cause conflict but the way in which they intend to achieve their goals differ and cause conflict.


Advantages and disadvantages

“Conflict is like fire. A fire can be useful: it can warm you in winter or it can cook your food. But if the fire gets out of control, it can cause a lot of damage. It can destroy things which can never be repaired or replaced”. (Free to Grow Lifeskills).


Conflict can be good if it helps you to resolve certain problems and improve your relationships but if it becomes destructive instead of constructive, conflict can destroy your life, on a large scale and also on a small scale.


To understand your style of handling conflict you can follow the link below. This should give you a better understanding of  how you currently deal with conflict as well as what you can do to start dealing with it in a more constructive manner.


http://webhome.idirect.com/~kehamilt/ipsyconstyle.html


Once again if you'd like to discuss this further after having read this post or taking the conflict questionnaire, please feel free to e-mail me (zhassem1@yahoo.com), or leave me a message here:)


HOPE THAT YOU FIND THIS USEFUL!
References:

• Anstey, M. (1998). Negotiating Conflict. Cape Town: Juta & Co,Ltd.
• Gift of the Givers Careline. (1999). “Self- Discovery and Growth Course”. Unpublished Course Manual.
• Free to Grow Lifeskills. “How to handle conflict”, Workshop manuals
• Image 1 from: rickhill.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/15-confl
• Image 2 from: scavenging.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/fire.jpg

Introduction to Anger and Conflict Management

Insha'Allah in the next few posts I intend to deal with anger and conflict management. I will be adding links to questionnaires that can be taken to help you understand your own anger, and conflict style. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU NEED FURTHER INFORMATION ON A PERSONAL BASIS OR IF YOUR ANGER LEVELS ARE DANGEROUS, PLEASE SEND ME AN E-MAIL ON zhassem1@yahoo.com

Hope that these posts are helpful!
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What is anger?




Anger is the body's response to an event (e.g. road rage), to another person (colleague, boss, partner etc), or caused by anxiety - worrying about personal problems. It is the body's way of helping us to cope with either fighting, or running away. (Fight or flight response) Our body and emotions feel like a coiled spring - the body is ready now then, to fight or run - and those feelings need to be expressed. If you feel unable to express those feelings in a way that wouldn't hurt yourself or others, then you'll need to find other ways to express that anger.”


Is anger good or bad?


Some disadvantages of anger:


“Some people tend to become angry easily (a "short fuse"), and some have problems controlling their anger. Anger has consequences, and they often involve hurting other people - more usually their feelings, but sometimes physically. Anger can cause problems in your personal life, with your relationships and affect your work. The after-effects of anger often make a person feel guilty and ashamed, but anger is a normal emotion”.


“Unresolved anger can cause relationship breakdown, physical and mental health problems, criminal activity etc”. Anger can “lead to intimidating, violent or bullying behaviour which endangers other people or property. Anger can even lead to self-harm”.


A lot of negative consequences arise when we are unable to control our anger. When someone is very angry, screaming and shouting and not in control of themselves, they end up saying and doing things that they don’t necessarily mean. The things that they do might be harmful to others and to themselves. What happens sometimes is that when the fight is over, the hurt and animosity might still remain. Sometimes people always remember the things that were said during a fight and this might be the cause of continuous problems. “Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm”.


“The physical effects"


Anger triggers the body's 'fight or flight' response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The mind is sharpened and focused.


The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that accompany recurrent unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body. Some of the short and long term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include: Headache, Digestion problems, such as abdominal pain, Insomnia, Increased anxiety, Depression, High blood pressure, Skin problems, such as eczema, Heart attack, Stroke.”


Some advantages of anger


If anger is controlled properly then it might help to resolve things in a conflict situation. Getting angry might be a form of expression for people. Anger might also help in preventing people from taking advantage of each other. Anger provides limits and if controlled properly can be used in an assertive manner to ensure that one’s rights are not been trampled on.


It must be clearly emphasized that anger can only be a helpful emotion if it is controlled properly and used in an assertive, not aggressive manner. “Well managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes”.


Some reasons for getting angry
 Feeling helpless or unable to control a situation.
 Feeling trapped by circumstances and can’t see any way out.
 Tiredness and irritability.
 Frustration.
 Disagreeing with someone/ having a difference of opinion.
 Need to prove oneself.
 Competition.
 Feeling threatened or jealous.
 Feeling intimidated or overpowered.
 Inability to explain or express one’s feelings.
 When a person is forced to do something against their will
 When a person feels misunderstood.


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To take an anger quiz click on the link below:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=3396&cn=116
 
Please feel free to leave a comment or e-mail me if you'd like to discuss anything further with regards to the quiz or anything else related to this!
 
Insha'Allah in the next post we will focus on "Anger Patterns" - Until then I leave you in peace!
 
“When you feel angry, keep silent.” {Hadeeth of the Prophet (SAW)}

According to Hazrat Abdullah bin Umar (RA) the messenger of Allah (SAW) said, “To restrain anger in order to please Allah is more excellent in the sight of Allah than to swallow back anything”.


References for this post:
 BUPA’s Health Information Team. (2004) “Anger Management”.
Image taken from: joefelso.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/anger-m.jp