Dealing with Conflict-Step 4- Work on Negotiating

Once you have successfully gotten through the first 3 steps, you can begin to focus on step 4 which is “working on negotiating”. It is important that you have first mastered the first 3 steps because negotiation will not be able to take place if for instance, one person has not been listened to and understood or the other person has not assertively expressed their needs. Furthermore, if you have not managed to achieve step 1 which is “staying calm” then all the efforts to resolve conflict will be useless. Negotiation therefore comes at the end, when the people involved in the conflict have managed to calm themselves, when they have listened to and understood each other and when both parties have communicated their needs and wants in an assertive manner.

Negotiation has been defined as follows:

“Negotiation is a form of decision making in which two or more parties talk with one another in an effort to resolve their opposing interests…a process by which a joint decision is made by two or more parties.”(Pruitt 1981, pp xi-xii in Anstey, 1998, p. 91)

“Negotiation is a process for resolving conflict between two or more parties whereby both or all modify their demands to achieve a mutually acceptable compromise…a process of adjusting both parties’ views of their ideal outcome to an attainable outcome.” (Kennedy et al 1987, p.14 in Anstey, 1998, p.92).

The Process of Negotiation

Three things have been identified as helpful in the negotiation process. (Gift of the Givers: Self Discovery and Growth Course Manual, 1999).

1. Compromise
The parties negotiate with each other until they arrive at a solution that is acceptable to both. In the process both give up something of their original position and meet each other half-way in an attempt to be tolerant towards each other.

In the negotiation process you can make a list, (mentally or you can write it down) of all the things that you are willing to compromise on.

You should not put things on the list unless you are absolutely sure that you will be able to give it up.

2. Accommodation

Both are willing to give, and to accommodate the other’s point of view, and yet to be honest about stating any specific uncertainties they may have.

You have to be able to accommodate the other person by understanding their wants and needs and meeting these needs and wants to a reasonable extent.

It is essential in the conflict resolution process for both parties to compromise something in order to accommodate each other. If this is not done then there will not be successful conflict resolution.

After having listened to and understood the other person’s requests, make a list of the things you think you can give to them. Once again you should only put things on the list that you are absolutely sure you will be able to give to the other person. It is very important that you keep up to the things you promise to do.

3. Seeking alternatives
Parties look for a solution that will have the greatest significance for them. They are concerned about the issue, the problem that needs to be solved and about what will be best under the circumstances.

 When seeking alternatives it is crucial that both parties are equally involved.
 You can sit together and brainstorm about possible solutions.
 The atmosphere should be a pleasant, happy one and both parties should feel comfortable to share their thoughts.
 After brainstorming, all the suggestions can be evaluated. The advantages and disadvantages of all the suggestions can be looked at.
 Thereafter the solution that seems most acceptable to both parties should be chosen.
 The Plan has to be carried out and each person should accept responsibility and try equally hard to keep to the plan.
 There should be no blaming each other.
 Remember all this is being done in order to achieve peace.
(Gift of the Givers: Self Discovery and Growth Course Manual, 1999).

References for this post:
-Anstey, M. (1998). Negotiating Conflict. Cape Town: Juta & Co,Ltd.
-Gift of the Givers Careline. (1999). “Self- Discovery and Growth Course”.

  Unpublished Course Manual.

Communication Styles

In the last few posts we looked at different communication styles, in this post we will summarize these and end off with Changing your Communication: Step 3 of Anger and Conflict Management. Here are some exercises to do in order to end of with communication:
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In the following exercise, state whether the response given in each situation is assertive, aggressive, passive or manipulative.


1. You are part of a group that deals with helping to better the community that you live in. This group has meetings once a month. The date is being set for the next meeting. You really want to attend, but you can’t make it on the proposed date. Everyone else has accepted this date. When the chairperson of the group says; “Is that OK for everyone, then?”


You say; “Well alright, as it seems to be convenient for everyone else.”

2. Jack is having trouble getting started on an assignment that he has to do for school. He doesn’t really know where to begin because he has skipped many classes lately. He just felt that school was boring and decided not to go.

He says to Janet; “I’m useless at doing assignments, I have no idea where to begin, I wish I didn’t miss so many classes but I have been having so many problems at home. My dad beats me up a lot and will do it again if I fail. Won’t you please do the assignment for me?”

3. Rajesh works in the computer field. Part of his job is to go out and install computers for people. He has taken very long with installing a computer. His manager asks him what went wrong when he was installing the computer.

He says; “You wasted a lot of my time! You never even told me he didn’t have the area ready, and the people who work there don’t have any idea what they are doing, they should all be fired, they are just useless!”

4. Somebody in your neighbourhood asks you for a lift because she works in the same area that you do. You don’t mind giving her a lift but you don’t have enough time in the morning to go an extra 10 minutes to pick her up from her house.

You say; “I don’t mind giving you a lift, but you would have to find your own way to my house.”

5. Fatima is on an important call with her sister when her husband interrupts and asks her something.

She says; “Can’t you see I’m busy, my sister really needs to talk right now! I will answer you later, just wait OK! I can’t even have a conversation in peace!”

6. Naledi works at a clothing store. A colleague of hers hears her dealing with an awkward customer. Afterwards they praise the way she handled it.

She says; “It was nothing really, I only really came in at the end.”

7. Ahmed is a trainer who trains people to run HIV/AIDS workshops. He sat in on a workshop presented by one of the people that he trained. He felt that it was highly successful.

He says; “I think that was a really good presentation. I particularly liked the way that you made the material come alive.”

8. A salesman has been pushing hard for you to buy a piece of equipment. You are not sure; besides, you had thought of looking at several makes before deciding.

You say; “Well, I suppose it’s more or less what I’m looking for. I was going to look at other makes, but perhaps this will be OK.

9. A friend of yours has put your name down to help out at a community social function without asking you.
You say; “Look, why didn’t you ask me first, instead of dropping me in it?”


10. Samantha is really busy with her school homework. Her younger sister Jill comes to her and asks for help.

She says; “No, I can’t help you, ask somebody else! What the hell is wrong with you, cant you see how busy I am? You just have to be a pest, don’t you?”

NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU GOT IT ALL RIGHT!

Answers: (1. passive; 2. manipulative; 3. aggressive; 4. assertive; 5. aggressive; 6. passive; 7. assertive; 8. passive; 9. assertive; 10. aggressive).
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Communication Self-Assessment:
Review the 4 different ways of communicating and evaluate where you fit in. Think about what description best describes your way of communicating in a conflict situation.

Remember that you can have a mixed way of communicating as well. Look out for this. You may be a “mixed communicator”.

• Write down your personal way of communicating in a conflict situation:
• How far away are you from assertive communication?
• Make a list of the things you would need to do/ the changes you would have to make in order to become an assertive communicator.

Changing your communication will be a difficult process but it is not impossible. If it is important to you to have better relationships and to deal with anger and conflict better then you will try very hard to make the change and YOU WILL SUCCEED! Good Luck with all your efforts.


MAY ALLAH MAKE ALL OUR EFFORTS EASY INSHA'ALLAH!

In the next post we will look at the 4th and final step towards dealing with anger and conflict: Negotiation

Communication Style 4- 'The Assertive Communicator'

This is the last style of communication and I've decided to save the best for last. In this style of communication both parties win and there is mutual gain as well as mutual respect, this is something that we should all try and work towards achieving.


Description

 Understands, believes in and accepts own rights.
 Understands, believes in and accepts the rights of others.
 Communicates openly and honestly.
 Respects self and others.
 Likes and feels good about self.
 Communicates with the party concerned.
 Listens and talks.
 Expresses positive and negative feelings.
 Matches verbal and non-verbal behaviour with content of message.
 Voice is steady and firm.
 Tone is modulated, rich and warm.
 Speaks fluently with few awkward pauses.

Advantages

 It fosters fulfilling, deep and intimate relationships. Less preoccupied with self-consciousness, anxiety and less driven by the need for self-protection or control.
 The assertive person can “see”, “hear” and love others more easily.
 Fears and anxieties are reduced. Don’t approach others with fear of being hurt or controlled.
 You live your own life and more of a person’s needs are fulfilled.

Disadvantages

 Your life will be disrupted to some extent and you will feel the pain associated with honest and caring confrontation.
 There is a personal struggle involved in changing one’s own habitual behaviours.
 Being authentically yourself can be a painful experience. You need to risk disagreements knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship between equals.
 It involves becoming vulnerable in significant relationships.
 It brings you face to face with your true values.
 A lot of willpower is necessary.

Achieving this style of communication takes hard work and practise, but the benefits are many and insha'Allah with a sincere intention, Allah (swt) can make things easy to achieve.

In the next post I plan to put up some practise examples on assertive communication, Insha'Allah!

Change is good for you

So I know that my next post was supposed to be the fourth and final style of communication, but Insha'Allah we'll get to that. For now you would have noticed that the look of this blog has changed. It's actually a long story, sort of, but let's just say after searching relentlessly for a template such as the one I have now, I gave up and settled for the previous one. Then, my sister decides to explore things (don't know if that's good or bad), but anyway, through her exploration she finds that we can change things around at ease, and so it is that I came across a template that I wanted for this blog to start with.

Now although I think it looks much better, it was a little difficult to change because, well, we get stuck on old things don't we? Kind of like life itself. After much contemplation though, and looking at the pro's and con's I decided, what the heck, this change will definitely be for the better, and I'm happy I decided that.

This reminds me of life, how we think that change will complicate our lives, but when we actually accept that change may be better, we may be pleasantly surprised. You see the monotony of life can easily get us down, making us feel depressed even, and somtimes even just a small change in our everyday lives can make a huge difference.

I remember reading a beautiful book; When you hear hoofbeats think of a Zebra. I'm sure some of you have also read it. This book dealt with the same topic and the advice given there was change your routine, even if in small ways, change the way you think, change your expectations about things, because only through chnage can we learn and grow.

So, I hope that you like the changes I've made to this blog, and Insha'Allah it will remind you of the fact that change can bring positivity and light into your life. After all, human beings have the ability to experience so many things, why should we restrict ourselves.

Insha'Allah my next post will go back to communication styles, but for now, remember that change can be good for you, and perhaps this will help you if you're stuck with some old way of dealing with things, whether it's your communication style or how you deal with anger and conflict, or just how you treat others, sometimes, when we change things about ourselves, the results are positive for us and for everyone else around us.

I leave you in peace, May the Almighty continue to shower His Blessings on us all!

Communication Style 3- "The Manipulative Communicator"

Description

 No understanding of and no conviction in belief of own rights.
 No understanding or acceptance of rights of others.
 Unwilling to communicate honestly.
 Indirect communication with party concerned.
 Differing verbal and non-verbal behaviour are obstructive to content of message.
 Voice whining and sing-song.
 Lack energy and vitality.
 Anticipates questions and answers.
 Mistrusts self and others.

Advantages
 Others tend to comply with their wishes out of guilt or anxiety.
 They are able to satisfy their needs in the short term to a large extent.
 They do not have to reveal their true feelings to others and risk vulnerability.

Disadvantages
 People avoid them in the long run.
 They make other people feel bad about themselves, but also resentful of the manipulator.
 They do not ever develop a sense of the legitimacy of their own rights and wants.
 They are not able to share their true feelings with others in an atmosphere of trust and caring.
 They are always afraid of being caught out and rejected as a result.